I have no idea

Okay I've been trying to figure this out for years. Probably since middle school. It's not when it started, just when I noticed it.

People usually like my company. I make them laugh. I'm a very good listener. I didn't have a huge amount of friends, but I was never the type of person that would. Not that I wasn't on friendly terms with other people. I always helped people in class if I could no matter what clique they were in or if they weren't any at all. I pretty much talked to whoever talked to me.

There was always a couple of people that I guess you would call a group. But though I call them friends and on some level they are. I'm not sure they they really are friends or even that I wasn't really friends with them. They would hang out with each other and I would, but only about every two months out side of school. Even though one of my friend's only lived two streets up in the neighborhood and I have known her the longest in the group of friends. I had another friends out side this group that I ended up hanging out with the most, but it seemed like she would only call me up, because everyone else was busy or didn't want to hang out.

This is part of the thing I'm trying to figure out. Though people usually like my company and I think I am generally a nice person I am always forgotten. I am always looked over. I am used to it. It hasn't even gotten me down till now. I know I am not spectacular. FAR from it, but I'm not a bad person. I've always been there for my friends. The way I think of it I didn't have many friends so the ones I had I was going to protect and make sure they were okay. I didn't push it or anything. Actually the opposite.

I mean they probably would accuse me of not making the effort either, but I did all that was in my nature to do. I'm not a phone person. I'm just not. However, if you texted me I would always text you back. I keep in touch over the internet and everything, but it's not really worth it, but I guess it is. I don't have much of a life. I spend most of it on the internet, which I'm not complaining about. There are some great people on the internet. But..... it's happening again. I don't understand there is always someone better who comes along, so I don't matter anymore. Liek I said, I am used to it, but this was different. I had plans around this one. Why do I even bother.

You can probably guess that I am very socially challenged. My parents didn't help in that regard lol. I was one of those kids who grew up to fast. There are reasons why too and I guess it was just in my nature to do it.

I just don't understand. I guess I don't really care.... that's a lie. I do care, but I can;t keep putting myself through this. I just can't. I've done it too many times before and like I said this time was different. I should just chuck my laptop out the window. I could go find a lake
I could burn it in a fire and beat the remains with a sledgehammer and take whats left and throw it into the sea. Okay now I'm just being fanciful.

Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I just put myself outthere too much. I think people don't realize what they do I take notice. This is why I['m not a people person i guess.

I don't know
why did i write this
will i post it
]if i do will i keep it up
does it matter
probably not
only one person will read this maybe
love ya if you do
what do i do now
i know what i want to do
but thats the problem